Tomorrow is the last day of school.
Really, it is the last half day of school. As my kids have pointed out, the last week of school is really the last 3 and a half days of school. Teachers finished up last Friday and this week was all about fulfilling time requirements.
Tomorrow afternoon, one of the neighborhood families throws a huge end of year party at their house. Complete with bouncy house sprinkler and plenty of adult beverages, the party is great. I have actually been looking forward to it for a long time. Even so, I love and hate this time of year.
My daughter has this smile that just won't quit. When I ask her if she is looking forward to summer you can see the sense of relief in her eyes. She has worked really hard this year and the summer will be a welcome break. I, on the other hand have not been able to feel that sense of relief, well, I don't remember when I did.
I remember looking forward to summer but it never felt like a break. I have had a job of some sort since I was ten years old. I would mow lawns all summer then go back to school. When I was 14 I bought this bicycle that was $480.00. Some of my friends had bikes just as nice, but I am not sure that they paid for them. (I still have it.)
This is not meant to complain about my childhood. The truth is, I liked to work, and I was the one that made myself go out and get those jobs. They were jobs that I did like a kid. Not much responsibility and sometimes, it took two weeks to get back and do your yard again. It made me understand that it is really nice to get jobs over with.
But I digress.
I look forward to sunshine and the pool opening up and seeing all the neighbors, but I just don't feel that sense of relief. Summertime means that I have to get the kids to swim practice, then camp, then grandma's, then figure out how to get my work done, with less time than in the winter. It means that I have to look at all the relaxed people around me and realize that I don't feel relaxed... that makes me even more uptight.
Summertime means that I am a year older and so are my kids. They have both grown three inches since last year. My daughter will be in 7th grade next year. Only two more years 'til high school, then college, then leaving home and I go into the nursing home.
Crap.
See how this works? Why can't I just look at the kids playing in the pool and enjoy the moment?
I have a friend that I go riding with (on a bicycle, not a horse.) He has always been very focused and very relaxed. He enjoys riding and running just to do them. I know right? Crazy.
To me working out was always a job. It was something that I had to do. I needed to be healthy, so I could work, so I needed to work out. Even when I was swimming in college, swimming was my job. If I did not swim, I probably wouldn't have gotten into a college. Maybe I would have, but that was the way it felt at the time.
These days I really do like getting on my bike just to ride. I even find myself pushing myself up a hill really hard accidentally and enjoying the pain and the thrill. I guess I do know what it feels like, I just need to let it happen to summer.
So, tomorrow I look forward to one (or two) too many beers and the freedom that comes from taking in the moment. Come on summer, you and I have some bonding to do.
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